Glossary of Quatsch

9 May

Shame chamber – brothel.

Slovenly hero of the straw – country bumpkin.

Sporting young custard receptacle – a willing and fair young lady.

‘Mother Nature is fondled through her fig leaf while the great god Neptune looks on in shame’ – metaphor for environmental damage.

Maelstrom of ionic starfish torment – the mysterious scrambling of time and space that gifted Aether Flyer with musical innovation and immortality.

Mauve chalice of excess – alcohol-fuelled gaiety.

Earflapdoodle – music of low aesthetic worth.

The Queen of the Arse Age – a leading member of London’s subterranean homosexualist community.

Red moxy – nauseous alcoholic beverage derived from red diesel.

Sweet fluxotic asparagus – pertaining to nothing at all; zero.

The Highbury Shiver Collective – one of North London’s most infamous secret societies.

Rotten orchid megabyte salad – engineering term for useless or outmoded technology.

Ramgag Aphoristic Belt-loosener – top secret, highly innovative piece of music technology designed by Prof Piddlechristmas and Mr Fossett.

Temporal Female XLR Wharf – as above.

Beautiful ravioli fiasco – music technology term for successful circuitry-building.

Increasingly violent duck copulation – euphemism for any kind of heinous and morally-outrageous criminal act.

Patent Alloy Cacotopic Fatherboard – the central machine behind Aether Flyer’s music.

The Drachma Gunshop Fiddled Leukaemiac Rancid Thought Dispensation Pencil Delivery Dime Bar Cat Burglary Reversal – a prototype of the electric guitar.

Flid-diddling – criminal act; use your own twisted imagination.

Biddy-diddling – as above.

Gifting a Brixton hipflask – offering a free sample of contraband to potential customers with the ultimate aim of selling them more.

Lollygagging over the remains of a female dinosaur – criminal behaviour in or around the scene of an archaeological excavation.

Cosmic energy fraud – abducting and illegally imprisoning a life member of the Royal Society.

Winning a bent tombola – having a difficult start in life; misfortune.

The buckwheat method of sterilisation – judicial punishment for sex offenders.

Up Swansea with a bohunk bridesmaid – in serious trouble.

Ten years developing an alternative to the whisk – the third most serious sentence that a British judge could hand down in the late 1920s.

Tipton Eunuchmaker – vividly offensive weapon.

Flemish Mousetrap – as above, but with an incendiary aspect.

Gold-plated naptha-propelled baby vamp – a ritual weapon presented to a member of the criminal underworld when he accedes to a senior position in a given ‘firm’.

Winston Apeshit and the Gumshield Sisters – London’s most feared criminal cartel.

Singing like a wrong Louis Armstrong – the state one is said to be in after sustaiing a grievous injured in gangland violence.

‘Do not go blindly into darkness on a Blunkett’s dare’ – advisory epigram intending to dissuade one from foolish behaviour.

Tabletop Brunehilde talk – small-talk; irrelevant chit-chat.

Lobespank – highly psychotropic synthesised drug.

Duffelcoat atrophy – negative physical reaction to drug overuse.

Lysergic tapdance bone seizure – as above.

Fosbury flop juice – as above, only with libido-reduction effects.

Fenugreek lambastication – naturally piquant narcotic imported from West Bengal towards the end of the Raj era.

Billingsgate flatulent and Suffolking badly – the death throes of an elderly person.

Mother-huffing chub turnover – the death of an elderly woman.

Dainty trapeze batsman – a foppish member of the ruling class.

Medieval pigeon-chaser – an exploited member of the proletariat.

Dislukacic fantasy heckler – a class traitor.

Dipping the headlights of Bolshevik intercourse – political radicalism.

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